The twists and turns of melancholy

When I get really tired and irritated and depressed, I have this odd compulsion to scream at my coworkers.

I never actually do so, of course. I remain, on the surface, quiet and unobtrusive and anonymous. But the feeling is very intense. It's not because of anything my coworkers do. They are very nice people, and there's nothing wrong with them. Rather, it seems to stem from an overwhelming need to release the pressure building up inside my head. Don't you see?, I want to yell. Don't you know how much pain I'm in right now? I am sitting here thinking over and over again of killing myself to end the strain, and you are over there babbling like there's nothing in the world that is wrong.

I try to picture how my loved ones would react to the news of my suicide. I see them being sad, of course, but I don't see it leaving much of a void in their lives. I don't see it torturing them for years. I feel so insubstantial and unimportant, it's hard for me to believe I will leave any trace once I'm gone. Once the initial tears are dried, it would be as if I never existed.

Would my Dad be upset? I mean, I know he'd be sad for a little while, but would it really affect him? Would it affect my little brother? I honestly can't see it. I don't know who I really am to my Dad. Part of me feels like he would blame me somehow for killing myself, like he would yell at me and consider me a failure. It just seems like I'm such a disappointment to him. I'm not sure what I was "supposed" to do or be, but I always feel like whatever it was, I've failed, in his eyes.

And my little brother? Who am I to him? Who am I to anybody?

I know my mom cares about me. I know it would devastate her. But ... shit, she doesn't understand at all. I don't feel like she could ever grasp how awful I feel. I don't know if it's real to her, and even if I tried to communicate it, she'd just freak out.

And my friends ... shit, what friends? I don't have anybody I'm close to, save the Dove and the Swan. And I'm nobody to the Swan. And as for the Dove ... well, she doesn't need somebody like me. I can only hurt her.

Fuck, you see, God? Wouldn't it be so much easier if you could end things for me? I wouldn't have to grapple with this shit. God, I'm hurting.