Catching up, etc...

I have not posted in several days...sorry.

Shit, who am I even apologizing to? It's not like anybody's reading this. Maybe I've anthropomorphized my daily diary — like Anne Frank's "Kitty." Fuck.

Fuck it all. Anyway, I'm not going to go through the rigamarole of recounting my daily workouts for the past few days, so here's today's totals:

55 x 2 crunches, 10 lb. weight

30 x 4 pushups

10 x 2 arm curls, 25 lbs.

7 x 2 arm curls, 30 lbs.

3 x 2 arm curls, 35 lbs.

44 minutes on the elliptical machine.

Wow, it's kind of amazing that I could barely do 3 arm curls at 30 lbs. when I started. Maybe I am making progress.

My Dad is visiting this weekend. Not sure what we're going to do. I am feeling so crushed right now. Read the Swan's Facebook page...I know, just self-torture, right? Read another ex's Facebook page — she is happily involved with a new love. And I am alone, except for the Dove.

Oh, the Dove is keeping my dog this weekend. Is that wrong? It probably is, but I can't afford to board my dog while me and my Dad go on a road trip...the Dove will take care of her, and I will selfishly take advantage of her.

I am a miserable excuse for a human being. I want to DIE. I want to DIE. Please, God, I am begging you right now: Strike me with a horrible terminal disease. Give me fucking cancer or whatever. Spare some other poor soul with a spouse and kids and just dump it all on me. I beg to carry that burden, because it would finally free me.

Fuck. I'll probably live 'til I'm 99. And God will make every single second of it unbearable.

Words cannot express my self-hatred right now. I am a worthless piece of garbage. I wish the universe would destroy me.

Sigh. Great wish, huh? Shit, the microwave is beeping. Dinner is ready. On to another hopeless night, and hopeless day, ad infinitum...