The torture goes on, neverending. I received a picture today from my dad. It shows him and my mom when they were dating, before he went off to Vietnam. I'll never have that. Not anything like that. Shit, it's all blackness! Blackness as far as I can see! I will get up tomorrow and spend all day at my desk, staring into the pit. I hate myself, I hate myself so goddamn much.
I found out another ex of mine is pregnant. Let's call her ... hmmm, let's call her the Goose. Heh. She was a trip ... my relationship with her was rocky, but passionate. It was too much at the end. I walked out on her, which might or might not have been a colossal mistake on my part — I suppose I'll never know. Anyway, she's engaged now, and occasionally I check her Facebook page (unbeknownst to her) to see what she's up to. Seems she's got a bun in the oven, har har.
Maybe I fucked up. Maybe it should have been mine. Who the fuck knows. She's off living her life. My ex-wife is off living her life, too — probably pregnant, or with kids. I'm far too scared to see for myself. The Swan is off having her life and dreams come true.
The Dove is, of course, still pining away for me. Shit. I wish she'd just let me go. I am stuck in my hole and will never be able to climb out.
A bullet in my head. That is literally all I can think of. Buying a gun, loading it, placing it against my temple, boom. All over. It's what ... nine and a half months from now? It seems weird that I'm actually going to do it. I mean, really: Nothing will get better. It's all hopeless. All utterly hopeless.
I have to go to sleep. Gotta get up tomorrow. Trudge through another day. My life is such a fucking lie. Death can't come quick enough. I pray — yes, I pray — that my death will come SOON, and preferably peacefully. A quick illness. Some unnoticed disease. I supposed a car wreck or an airplane crash would be okay. But I want the chance to say goodbye, if possible. Don't afflict some other worthy person, God. Don't hurt people like my mom. HURT ME. KILL ME. I NEED TO DIE.
Spare me from having to do the deed myself. Just end it. End. The. Fucking. Pain.
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